What if this storm ends
by Addie Shep
Summary: "When it was all dark and her heart felt numb, Jane wondered what had happened to that crazy,control freak woman who had to know everything and do everything with a purpose. She had lost her and yet there she was. In her bed. Naked" - Post 2x15.
1. Hate is safer than love

**A/N**: What can I say? It's just an experiment, something I had in mind and I had to put down. I don't know if I'm going to continue it or not, let's see what you guys think. I want to say thanks for the lovely reviews you left for my previous fic. They made my day :-)

**Ersy **(my amazing, patient and very competent beta-reader), già sai, non ti dico più niente. Solo un altro ti voglio bene.

-o-

She didn't even know how it had happened the first time.  
>Or the second, or all the others for what that mattered.<br>She wasn't even sure she wanted to know, after all.  
>It was just the way it was.<p>

And it was good. Most of the time.  
>Intense, powerful, almost primordial.<br>Sometimes overwhelming, but still great nevertheless.  
>Jane wished she knew how to quit it, though.<br>But she didn't.  
>And neither did Maura.<p>

And when it was all dark and her head felt empty and her heart felt numb, Jane wondered what had happened to that crazy, control freak woman who had to know everything and do everything with a purpose.

She had lost her and yet there she was.  
>In her bed.<br>Naked.  
>Breathing heavy, trying to catch as much air as she could.<p>

Till she was breathing normally again and then she was slipping away from damp sheets without a word.

Every single time Jane waited for something. Anything.

When they were at work and they barely could stand to be in the same room.  
>When their eyes met and almost immediately their heads turned in opposite directions.<br>When they had no choice but speak to each other about the investigation and their voices sounded like they belonged to someone else.

One day they were friends, the day after they were not anymore.  
>Six days after Maura was standing on Jane's doorstep, hair wild from the wind outside, mascara and tears all over her face, and a strange look in her eyes.<p>

"He's dead." she said shaking.

"I...I'm sorry." Jane's voice cracked.

"Don't. Just...don't say anything, not even a word."

And Jane did just as she was told while Maura pushed her towards the bedroom, her knees hit the mattress and her world changed forever.  
>It's not that she hadn't asked herself the reason why she didn't stop her friend.<br>She did, later that night, when she was trying to make her bottom lip stop bleeding.

The thing was that she didn't have an answer.  
>But, you know, you can only walk on the edge of a cliff for so long before you realize that you have two options.<br>You either fall or you build a fence.  
>And she picked one. She fell.<p>

Completely and hopelessly.  
>Because that was just who she was.<br>A desperate woman with a void in her chest that only one person in the world was able to fill.

So she let Maura fill it in anyway she was willing to.  
>No more guilt. No more regrets.<br>She had lived in denial for too long, already.

It had been a time when she had chosen not to be the degenerate daughter, the depraved catholic, the lesbian detective with a butch attitude, because she wasn't ready to handle the consequences.  
>It was too much even to only think about that. Or admitting it. Or, worse, accepting it.<p>

So she hid that part of her, the best part, in a secret place of her being, like it didn't exist at all.  
>And she believed she could forget about it. She almost did. Almost.<br>Then Maura came.

Resisting hadn't been so hard at first.  
>But the more they had become closer the more Jane had started to feel the need to run away.<br>She knew that Maura knew.  
>And it scared the shit out of her.<p>

But she also knew that Maura respected her too much to make a move, because Jane would have taken it like a violation.  
>In a paradoxical way, love was the thing that was keeping them apart.<p>

They loved each other so much that the mere possibility of hurting one another was preventing them from acting on their feelings.  
>It wasn't like that anymore.<p>

Now they had the perfect excuse. Hate. Hate was so much safer then love.

Jane still didn't know how it had happened the first time.  
>But now she knew why it was still happening.<br>She was having a sort of epiphany in that exact moment, watching Maura on her knees with her head buried between her legs.

It was hard to continue breathing and to keep her eyes open at the same time, while holding on the sheets for dear life, but she needed to see her in the faint light of the lamp.

It was for the illusion of possession, of being in control, Jane thought.  
>The ephemeral conviction that she had Maura at her mercy.<p>

But still she was the one at Maura's mercy.  
>She could do whatever she wanted of her.<p>

Everything that Maura gave, Jane took. And then she gave exactly the same back and Maura took every drop of it.  
>They were equals. They were even.<br>Jane had wished for something like that her whole life and she wasn't ready to give it up just yet, no matter how sick it seemed.

"I'm going to..." she said, her breath ragged, her hands now intertwined in honey blonde locks.

Maura increased the pace of her fingers, a smirk on her face Jane wasn't able to see.  
>When she came she was very careful not to mention the other woman's name.<p>

It was one of Maura's rules.  
>She had learned that lesson not long ago.<p>

Jane fell on the mattress with a small thud.  
>Long limbs spread in every direction, her chest restless for the effort and the pleasure.<p>

"Come here..." she managed to say between heavy breaths.

Maura wiped her mouth with the back of her hand as stood up.

"I have to go."

"I'm not finished with you."

"But I am."

A smug smile on the doctor's face.

Jane rose unexpectedly from the bed and took Maura by her wrist.  
>She was underneath the detective in no time, breasts against breasts, legs tangled and mouths only a few inches apart.<p>

Jane tried to kiss her, but Maura shifted her head and bit the detective's shoulder instead.

"Not fair!" she hissed between her teeth and then grabbed the doctor by her hair until they were face to face.

"You're gonna leave marks where people can see. Again."

"You know the word. Say it and I'll stop." Maura challenged her.

Jane tightened up her grip on the blonde's locks and watched her wincing out of pain.

"Fuck you." she said instead.

"Fuck me." Maura breathed through the other woman's parted lips.

Jane did just that for the second time that night.


	2. Comfortably numb

"Holy mother of God, you look terrible!"

Jane swore under her breath at her mother words when suddenly felt her headache getting worse.  
>She chose the nearest free table at the cafeteria and sat, putting her elbows on the cold surface as she started to rub her temples.<p>

"Gee, Ma, good morning to you too."

"My poor baby, look at those big rings around your eyes. Are you getting enough sleep?"

The detective huffed and glared at the anxious woman standing next to her.

"Do I look like I'm getting enough sleep?" she snapped.

"You're impossible. I'm gonna get you something appropriate to eat, for a change!"

"I just need three coffees in a IV bag. Can you get me those?"

Angela Rizzoli, always the patient, ignored her grumpy daughter and left her alone for a couple of minutes, until she came back with a big cup of fresh coffee and a plate of pancakes.

"Eat." she said simply.

"Thanks." Jane muttered grabbing the fork.

It wasn't unusual seeing her like this lately.  
>Tired, almost defeated. In a awful mood. Alone.<p>

As a mother she was concerned and tried to do everything she could, but she also knew her stubborn girl enough not to push it too much.  
>Well, most of the time, at least.<p>

"What?" Jane asked annoyed when she caught her mother still staring.

"It's been three months, Jane."

"I'm gonna stop you right there..."

"No, you're not. You're gonna listen to you old mother instead!"

Jane snorted and cut another piece of pancakes. She remembered that time Angela had shaped them like bunnies, long ears and all, and Maura was so enthusiast and smiley that she had to share them with her.  
>When Maura smiled the world seemed somehow a better place.<p>

It was odd and above all cheesy and Jane would have preferred dying than saying it out loud.  
>But still it was the truth.<br>She hadn't seen a genuine smile from her former friend in a long time.  
>All of a sudden she wasn't so hungry anymore. So she grabbed her coffee and gulped it all down.<p>

"Ma, please..."

"She got home in the middle of the night, again!"

"Don't talk about her."

"She seemed distressed and unbalanced and she was carrying her shoes!" Angela continued lowering her voice.

"For Christ's sake, Ma, enough..."

"She doesn't seem like herself anymore! She is different. She walks and she talks and she works, but she is...lifeless. Like a cyborg! That's right, she acts like a freaking robot and I'm worried about her like I'm worried about you!"

Jane felt like her head could explode any moment.  
>She pushed her plate away and stood up.<p>

"Why are you still living there, anyway?" she spitted through clenched teeth.

She was angry now, but she was trying to keep her voice calm and her body steady because they were in public, where she worked, and there was no need to make a scene.

"Maura wanted me to stay there. I told her I would have looked for another place, but she told me that what happened between you two had nothing to do with me."

"Of course it did! You are my mother, you should be on my side!"

A couple of officers who were having breakfast at a near table turned their heads, startled by the hasty change in Jane's tone.  
>The detective cursed in her head and closed her eyes out of frustration.<br>Angela was shocked too by that sudden outburst and put her hand on her daughter's arm.

"Jane, what are you talking about? There's no side to be on..." she said gently.

"I have to go, now."

"Janey, wait..." she intensified her grip and watched the detective inhale almost painfully.

The sleeve of her shirt rose and Angela spotted a few scratches. They seemed recent.

"What have you done?" she asked concerned.

Jane pulled her arm back like it was on fire.

"Nothing. Jo didn't want to stay still for her bath."

"You're lying to your own mother!"

"Ma, it's none of your business ok? Now go back to your work so that I can go back to mine."

"She needs you, Jane. She loves you..."

Jane swallowed and stepped closer. She lowered her head so that her eyes were at the same height as her mother's.

"You don't even know what you're talking about." she whispered.

Angela let her go and watched her storm off the cafeteria with a hurt look on her face.

"Doctor Isles..."

Maura abruptly tore her eyes away from the report she was reading and put her right hand on her chest.

"Oh, Frankie, you scared me."

The soon-to-be detective cleared his voice and suddenly he didn't know what to do with his hands.

"I'm sorry. I knocked but you didn't hear. And the door is open, so..."

Maura offered him a polite smile.

"It's ok, I was distracted. Please, come in."

He did so and closed the door of the office behind him.  
>If Maura minded she didn't show it.<p>

"How...how are you holding up?"

"I'm fine, thank you. And you?" she asked automatically.

He could tell she wasn't fine.  
>She was tired and had shadows under her eyes that no make up in the world would have covered.<br>Her hair wasn't so shiny like it used to and he was sure she had worn the same dress twice that week.

"Not bad. Korsak says I'm gonna get a promotion pretty soon if I keep up the good work."

"Well, that's great. I'm happy for you."

"Uhm, thanks."

The tip of his shoes became the most interesting thing in the world and Maura wondered why he had really come to see her.  
>There was clearly something that was bothering him.<p>

She wasn't very good at reading people's feelings, but Frankie was like Jane. He couldn't be subtle, no matter how hard he tried  
>Not with her.<br>At least, she thought, it used to be like that between them. Now she wasn't sure of anything anymore when it came to Jane.

"Why are you here, Frankie?"

Maura decided that being direct was her best option.  
>He swallowed and shifted from one foot to another a couple of times.<p>

"I'm worried about you, Maura."

To hear him using her first name was unexpected.  
>It was not like he hadn't done it before, but not after what had happened between her and his sister.<br>Maura stood up, feeling strangely trapped in the chair behind her desk.

"Worried about me?"

"Yeah. You look..." he paused, struggling internally to find the right words "...like you don't feel anything anymore."

She wasn't expecting that. Not in the least. And it hit her more that she was ready to admit.

"I'm afraid I don't know what you are referring to."

She was defensive and impervious like he knew she would be, but it didn't intimidate him.  
>He cared about her and was tired of feeling hopeless.<p>

"You're neither happy nor sad. You don't laugh at Frost's stupid jokes like you used to or glare at Korsak when he eats unhealthy crap for lunch..."

"Well, I..."

"You don't come upstairs anymore if it's not work related and when we are on a crime scene you barely acknowledge us!"

"I just try to do my job." she stated, calmly.

"That's the problem!"

"I don't see any problem in that..."

"Well, you should, Maura. We...we miss you." he finally confessed, his cheeks covered with a light shadow of pink.

"You miss me?" she repeated, even more astonished than before.

"Yeah, we miss you at the Robber after work, or at softball games, or at lunch-breaks. Even at dinner, it's not the same without you anymore, Ma doesn't cook as eagerly ad she used to now that it's just the two of us. You were our friend. You still are..."

"I...I don't know what to say, Frankie."

He looked at her with a shy smile on his face and Maura wondered if Jane would ever looked at her like that again.  
>She immediately dismissed the thought. It was stupid and unrequited.<p>

"Just say that you miss us too and come back!"

"I'm afraid it is not possible."

"But, why? Listen, I get that you're mad at Jane..."

He couldn't finish his sentence because Maura stopped him with such a fervor that Frankie had to blink a couple of times to make sure it was still her.

"You don't get anything! You...you can't!"

And her defenses where up again, even higher than before, but at least the younger Rizzoli was relieved that she was showing some kind of emotion.  
>Maura regretted it the second those words had left her mouth.<br>Not because she didn't think it was true, but because she had sworn to herself that she wouldn't have let anyone see her so vulnerable and invested again.

"You should go, Frankie." and the finality of her tone was unmistakable.

He had lost his battle, but maybe it wasn't all for nothing.

"Yeah, I guess I should." he said, already starting to walk towards the door.

He stopped on the doorstep and looked at her again.  
>She was already behind her desk, piling up some files like nothing had happened.<p>

"I will be waiting for you, Maura, you know. It's what family does..."

And after that he was gone.

Maura released a breath she wasn't aware she had been holding.  
>A family.<br>She wasn't meant to be in a family, she had gotten that much.

Everyone left her, eventually.  
>Jane had left her by pulling that trigger.<br>She had left her.  
>Had she ever cared, at all?<p>

Maura rose from her chair again and walked in front of the small mirror that was on the wall.  
>She untangled the knot of her silky foulard and carefully inspected her neck.<br>It was still bruised where Jane's lips had devoured her skin the former night.

The honey blonde doctor touched it with the tip of her fingers and felt relieved when it hurt.  
>She was still able to feel something, after all.<p>

**A/N:** Thank you guys for reading. I hope you will keep ejnoy this story and review :-D _Comments inspire me and make me update sooner!_ I'm also glad for all of you who subscribed to my account, it's pretty cool!


	3. Trigger

Jane finally let herself open her eyes when she heard the click of the bathroom door closing behind Maura's back.  
>Her heartbeat was still returning to a normal rate after their last encounter, but she needed to get up from that empty bed or she was going to lose her mind.<p>

The detective let out a big sigh and kicked the tangled sheets. She sat up trying to remove the messy hair falling on her face and looked for something to wear.  
>An old Red Sox T-shirt was hanging on the chair near the desk, not too far on the floor there were her panties.<br>She put them on finding harder than she thought to keep her balance and then went barefoot to the kitchen.

The clock said it was 1.13 am.

Jane ignored the voice in her head announcing an impending headache in the morning.  
>Maybe she should have just gotten some water, she opened the fridge and opted for a beer instead.<p>

She wondered what would have Maura said about that.  
>Probably nothing.<p>

There had been nights when they both didn't say anything.  
>It was just silence. And breathy moans. And mouths. And hands. And closed doors without goodbyes.<p>

Those were the nights when Jane blamed herself the most, because the strong resolutions she had come up with during the day dissolved the moment Maura showed up on her doorstep, so tortured and breathtaking.

How could she say no to her? She just couldn't. She was addicted to her.

So she stayed quite and lost herself in the other woman's body in order to keep her mind shut.  
>It worked almost every time.<p>

Other nights they allowed themselves to exchange a few words.  
>Nothing too meaningful or personal. Probably a challenge or a sharp remark.<br>That worked too. Somehow it ignited the hatred and alienated the guilt.

"_We need a word" Maura had said to her the second time they had had sex. _

_She was putting her dress back on, facing away from Jane in the meantime._

"_What for?" the detective had asked, reaching for her own clothes all over the floor._

"_To stop when it will be too much"_

"_And when will it be too much?"_

_That was the burning question, after all. _

_Maura had shuddered imperceptibly at Jane's husky voice, but hadn't given her an answer._

"_Trigger, that's the word" she had said instead._

"_Really, Maura?"_

_The doctor had twirled around with a hard look on her face, jaw clenched as well as her fists._

"_Don't you say my name again, do you understand?"_

"_Or what?" Jane had deadpanned, unimpressed._

"_Or it will be over"_

"_Bullshits"_

_Jane hadn't believed her – Maura needed that as much as she did - but she had gotten one thing straight. The doctor wanted to keep her emotionally distant in any way she could._

_The detective had stepped closer to the other woman who was clearly shorter than her without wearing heels._

_She had then grabbed Maura by the arm and turned her around until she was pressed against the door, face against wood, her breath in her throat._

"_So, I can fuck you like this, but I can't say your name. Is this cold enough for you, Doctor Isles?" she had breathed in the doctor's ear._

_After that Maura's dress had been on the floor again._

_Jane's hands, first on the other woman's neck, then slowly on her back, then everywhere they could reach._

When Maura got out of the bathroom she found an empty bed.  
>She bit her lip, disappointed, because that way she wouldn't have been able to have a proper look at Jane without her noticing.<br>Every time she didn't just slip away, but decided to stay a little longer - pretending to go to the bathroom in order to make herself presentable - she then watched the detective sleep for a few minutes and somehow it made her feel less lonely.

It was silly and pathetic and Maura hated herself for doing it every single time.  
>But she just couldn't help it.<br>Jane was like a magnet.

Everything about her felt like a magnet.  
>So when she entered the kitchen and her breath caught in her throat at the sight of that very long bare legs, strong lean arms and smooth tanned skin, she wasn't surprised to feel the need to touch her again.<br>Not sexually. Not possessively.

Just to touch for the sake of it.

Jane hadn't noticed her. She was looking out of the window with a frowned expression on her face.

Maura knew that look, she had seen it many times.  
>It was the look that reminded her that Jane wasn't like her.<p>

Jane wasn't able to separate things.

Her thoughts weren't neatly cataloged, they weren't held in different boxes.

She didn't see the gray; in her head it was all black and white. Right or wrong.  
>She acted following her instinct, her gut feelings, as she always referred to them.<p>

What they had, what they were doing, it was overwhelming for her.  
>It was a struggle everyday in order to remain sane.<br>To find a meaning. To see a reason.  
>To justify her guilt.<p>

To pretend she could do it.

To pretend she didn't care if it was just sex.

Maura knew that it wasn't. For Jane, it wasn't.  
>And because of that Maura knew that it wasn't going to last much longer.<p>

Jane was going to leave her again. She was going to give up on them, whatever it was what they had.

"You're still here." the detective said, trying not to sound too surprised.  
>She took a few steps away from the window and then stopped, afraid of getting too close to the other woman.<br>It was almost painful how beautiful Maura looked even like that, with her hair in a loose ponytail, face pale and clean, tired eyes and her shoes in her hand.

"Does it hurt?"

For a moment Jane froze, feeling almost hopeful, until Maura tilted her head towards a reddish mark that was still very clear on her left hip bone.

"Does it matter?" she asked back, maybe harsher than she wanted to sound.

Maura put her shoes on and grabbed her coat from the back of the couch, already heading to the door.

"Wait..." Jane said, her voice weaker as well as her will power.

Maura stopped, but didn't turn around.  
>A couple of months before she wouldn't even been still there.<p>

"What?" she whispered, her fingers clenched around the door handle.

"I miss hearing you say my name. You don't do that anymore. Not at work, nor here. I've always thought it was a common name, nothing special about it, you know. But the way you said it, somehow, it was like it meant something."

Maura released a sigh and and shut her eyes closed.  
>Head spinning, chest pounding against her will.<p>

"It did."

A shuttered breath.

"Jane..."  
>A pause and Jane's heart almost stopped.<p>

"It did."

**A/N: **Here we go again! I wanted to thank all the people who took a minute to leave a comment. I really appreciate it :-) It's important for me knowing what you guys think. So review if you feel like it!


	4. Matching scars and regrets

It had been one hell of a week and at the end of it Jane could barely still stand on her feet.

On Monday a man had been found by his own wife in a puddle of blood.  
>According to Maura he had been stabbed to death after a violent fight.<br>Mrs Kendall almost had had an heart attack during the interrogation, due to her health condition.

It had turned out that John Pearce, his best friend and partner, had killed him.  
>Mr Pearce had surprised the other man stealing some money from their business to pay hospital bills. Frost and Jane had arrested the guy on Tuesday evening at the airport, just before he had the chance to leave the country.<p>

Later Korsak had muttered something about the rarity of real friendships and Jane had suddenly felt sick to her stomach.

On Wednesday morning an old woman had been found dead in her bed by her maid.  
>There were no signs of struggle, no blood, nothing that could have been related to a homicide at first side.<br>Still Jane had felt that something was odd and she had asked Maura's help in order to find anything that would have made the judge allow an autopsy.

The doctor hadn't admitted it of course, she had remained professional and distant, but she had trusted her former friend's instinct almost on the spot.  
>So she had done her "lab work", while Jane had done her "gumshoe thing" and they had been proven to be right, after all.<p>

The old lady hadn't died a natural death, she had been poisoned by her nurse niece.

And if Maura hadn't been the genius she was, the young nurse would have gotten away with it, thanks to her medical knowledge about drugs.

For a moment Miss Peterson had been the only heiress of a big fortune. Then she had become a poor woman who was going to jail for a significant amount of years.

That evening Angela had cooked Maura's favourite pasta to celebrate, but all the honey blonde woman had been able to focus on was Jane's empty spot at the table.  
>The older Rizzoli had caught her of course and she had decided that it had come the right time to finally speak her mind.<p>

_"I'm staying here, because I have no intention to let you win" she had said in a quiet tone._  
><em>"I beg you pardon?" the surprised doctor had asked after coming out of her daze.<em>  
><em>"Do you think I didn't notice that you pushed away anyone but me?"<em>

_Maura had hardly swallowed her last bite and then had reached for her glass, without lifting her eyes from her plate in the process._

_"You thought that I would have left on my own, eventually, didn't you? You thought that I would have blamed you for hurting my Janey so that your stupid idea that nobody really cares would have been proven correct. But it's not, honey. It's been almost four months and I'm still here, as you can see. I'm not leaving..."_

_She had then grabbed her napkin with the excuse to wipe her mouth, but mostly she had done it to take a breath and to study Maura's reaction._  
><em>The younger woman had been keeping her head down the whole time and now she was torturing a lock of her hair like a little girl caught doing something she shouldn't have.<em>

_"You are making a huge mistake and you need a mother to tell you just that. So, I'm staying, I'm not going anywhere. And neither is Jane, by the way. For a genius you can be really dumb sometimes, sweetheart."_

Maura hadn't said anything. It hadn't been necessary, though.  
>Her beautiful and finally sincere hazel eyes were silently telling Angela anything she needed to know.<p>

But the worst day had definitely been Friday.

Jane had sensed it since the first moment she had stepped into the abandoned building out of town, where two kids in search of privacy had found a dead woman's body.  
>She had also read it unmistakably on Maura's face, even though she was trying her best to keep her expression neutral.<p>

The dead woman had been left in a sitting potion, back against the wall, head hanging down on her right side. She was approximately on her mid-thirties, about 5' 8'', not more than 145 pounds, long curly brown hair, olive skin and drained blood on her neck, clothes and on the floor.

Her throat had been sliced open by something sharp.

Maura had squatted near the victim as always, starting to inspect her accurately and speaking in a monotone voice.  
>Her purple gloves were covering two slightly shaking hands that only Jane hadn't fail to notice.<p>

When everything had been done and the corpse was about to be taken to the morgue she had carefully approached the medical examiner, trying not to invade her personal space.

"You are coming back to the precinct with me, alright?"

It had sounded more like a statement than a question.

"I came here with my car." had been Maura's response.

"Frost can drive it back. Hell, I'll do it and you can go with him if that's what you want. But you're not driving, are we clear?"

Jane's voice had been quite, but unmovable. Maura knew a lost battle when she saw one.

"Fine. But no talking" she had finally conceded.

"Of course. It's what we do best aside from sex, right?" the detective had muttered under her breath, while heading towards Frost to let him know their last arrangement.

They had both remained silent in the car even though Jane couldn't have helped but catch Maura's fingers brushing absentmindedly at the faint scar on her neck, the one that matched so precisely her own.

She had clenched almost painfully her hands at the wheel.

Now that Jane was going over what happened again she found herself even more tired than before.

She had hoped she would have been able to spend a relaxing Saturday evening watching sports on her couch while drinking beer, instead she was still trying to complete the puzzle of the woman's murder.

They had a solid lead, hell she was even sure they had found the killer, they just needed that irrefutable evidence in order to make an arrest.

Korsak had sent her home insisting she needed to rest but she had taken some files copies with her and couldn't help but read them over and over again.

Thomas Andersen was a 36 year-old veterinarian, married, no children, clean criminal record, who lived in Martha Costello's neighborhood.

Finding the victim's identity had been quite easy, since she had been reported as missing by her flatmate, Liam Peterson, just the night before she had been found dead.  
>The man had told the officers that she hadn't come home on Wednesday after visiting her mother out of town.<p>

At first he had thought she had decided to stay there longer but then became suspicious, because it wasn't like her not to inform him of such changes in her schedule.

They worked together and lived together, after all.

And most of all they were friends, childhood friends, whose dream to open an Italian restaurant had finally come true two years ago.

When Jane had told Liam about Martha's death he had been devastated.  
>And so had Jane for that matter.<br>She could only imagine the pain he was going through and she had hoped that she would never had to experience it on her skin.

Interrogating him had been a torture, but necessary nevertheless.  
>He had a strong alibi, though - not that Jane had doubted it for one second - he was at the precinct when, based on Maura's estimation, Martha had been killed, between nine and eleven PM on Thursday.<br>He had also been the one to tell her about Thomas Andersen, when she had asked if someone had harassed his partner in any way.

_"He kept coming to the restaurant to ask her out. He was married, for God's sake!" Liam had cried out._

_"And Martha rejected him every time?" Jane carefully asked, trying to not imply anything that could have upset the man even more._

_"Of course! She found him repulsive. She hated cheaters." he had answered bitterly._

_"Did she threaten him to tell his wife?" Korsak had cut in._  
><em>"I don't think so. But one time she caught him stalking her around the city and she told him she would have called the police if he hadn't stopped."<em>  
><em>Jane sadly thought that Martha should have done just that but she kept it to herself.<em>  
><em>"And what did you do?"<em>  
><em>"I went to his office and confronted him. I told him to stop bothering my friend. Martha was really upset with me."<em>

_"Why?"_

_"She said she could handle her own problems, that she didn't need a knight in shiny armor to save her from bad guys. It's just how stubborn she was."_  
><em>He had sounded even more defeated at that point and Jane had to put her hand on his arm for support.<em>

_"I'm really sorry, Liam. I know that's hard."_

_"We fought," he had continued stoically_

_"He punched me first and I reacted. He fell backwards and I then stopped. He wasn't worth it, right?"_

_"Wise choice. Why did he punch you?"_

_"He kept saying that I didn't deserve Martha's love. That she was too good for me. He thought we were a couple and that's why she had rejected him."_

_"And you weren't?"_

_Liam had sniffed and had clenched his fists so hard that Jane had almost felt her own hands hurt._

_"I loved her, you know? I-I've always have, since we were kids. But I have never told her and now I can't. Now she's dead."_

Those words were haunting Jane since she heard them the former day.  
>She couldn't get Liam's broken voice out of her mind.<br>She couldn't prevent her brain to link them to one brilliant, beautiful and unbelievably stubborn medical examiner who had almost died under her eyes.

The detective shacked her head to put those thoughts aside and turned a few pages of the file, finding Thomas Andersen's picture.  
>He was one creepy guy but she couldn't arrest him just because of what she felt.<p>

His questioning had lead to nothing. He even had an alibi: his wife declared he had been home the whole night  
>Nobody had believed it of course, but they couldn't prove otherwise.<p>

Maybe they needed to listen to Mrs Andersen again and try to figure out why she was covering for him.  
>But, most of all, they needed to find something that connected Mr Anderson to the crime scene.<p>

The only thing Maura had been able to tell them was that the murder weapon was a scalpel.  
>And veterinarians are familiar with scalpels, Frost had commented.<p>

She had also written in the autopsy report that Martha had dislocated her right shoulder while trying to break free from whoever was dragging her around.  
>That until she was mildly sedated and then raped.<p>

Jane had to close her eyes for a moment while starting unconsciously to rub her hands.  
>She had been there and sometimes she still was in her nightmares.<p>

But she had been lucky, she had been saved. Twice. Three times.  
>Even when she had been her own savior.<p>

She was still alive and the only thing that physically reminded her of what she had been trough were scars.  
>And two sore hands that bothered her from time to time, especially in that kind of days.<p>

The coffee she had started in the meantime was finally ready.

She sighed and poured a discrete amount of hot dark brown liquid in a large cup.  
>It was going to be a long night.<p>

A sudden knock at the door startled her and she almost dropped everything on the floor.  
>"Jesus Christ-" she hissed between her clenched jaw.<p>

Jane looked trough the peephole and held her breath before opening the door.

"What are you doing here?"

Maura raised her head, her watery eyes met Jane's confused ones.

"I needed to see you."

**A/N**: First things first: THANK YOU, **Ersy**, you are the most amazing beta reader in the whole world and I would be lost without you!  
>Now :-P Thank you guys, you left me such nice reviews and I'm really grateful for them. I'm writing for the first time in a foreign language and knowing what you think matters a lot. So keep it coming, if you still like the story!<p> 


	5. Long live the Queen of the Dead

They called her the Queen of the Dead because it was just who she was.

A beautiful, majestic, proud woman with a halo of mystery and two mesmerizing hazel eyes that gleamed like gold every time she was about to expose hidden truths.

Nobody could murder a man and get away with it if Doctor Maura Isles had a say in the matter.

She spoke for the dead, as simple as that.

People didn't know many things about her.

They knew she was rich, that's for sure, since she always wore fine dress and fancy heels even on the crime scene.

She belonged to Boston high-society and had attended the best private schools in the country.

She was confident, focused and emotionally detached from anything or anyone who happened to cross her path.

She didn't have friends and she didn't speak much.

She looked like she was perfectly fine on her own.

Her polite smiles, although a rarity, didn't quite reach her eyes.

She was professional and cold and people weren't at ease when she was around.

Most of them were almost scared from that kind of aseptic behavior.

Did she have a soul at all? They wondered.

What people didn't know about Maura Isles was, well, everything that mattered.

She was a hurt woman who had spent her whole life trying to fit in a world who didn't understand her, who had marginalized and labeled her since she was just a little girl, making her feel like she was born backwards.

She had never known real love, or care, or affection.

She didn't even know how to ask for it.

People, living ones, scared her. They were complex and mostly mean and she couldn't put them in a fixed pattern.

All she could do was to put on a ice-cold face and keep looking ahead, showing no fear.

Nobody would have dared to break her heart that way.

It had taken time, hard work and a lot of pain but 34-year-old Maura had finally come to a place in her life where she didn't even mind the loneliness anymore.

It was a safe place to be, a known one.

The funny thing was that it had taken Jane a few minutes to destroy everything and Maura had helplessly let her do it, one piece at time.

"_I know there is a kind, goofy, smiley person under all your pretty make up, Doctor-" she had said her after a week they had met at BPD, when Maura had been hired to replace the previous medical examiner._

"_Don't be afraid of it. Nobody is gonna judge you, I promise. We're a family here."_

And they were a family for real, Maura had come to see it with her own eyes.

And she had learned to smile and mean it.

She had learned not to be shy or hold back, to understand social interactions better, to count on other people, to trust them when she couldn't make it on her own.

She had learned to trust Jane.

To love Jane. To love Jane's loud, nosy and affectionate Italian family.

And to be loved in return with all her flaws and her quirks.

That was the reason she had become that cheerful, relaxed, sometimes vulnerable but still unique person that all her friends respected and cared about.

Jane hadn't seen that person for almost four months, but now that Maura was standing on her doorstep looking so broken and lost she almost recognized her.

"Come on in." she said without hesitating.

Maura did just that and took a few trembling steps in Jane's apartment.  
>There was silence for a moment.<p>

"I think my brain broke down." Maura whispered with her hands in her honey colored hair.

It came down in soft waves around her face and Jane thought that she looked just like a little girl who couldn't find her way back home.

"Shouldn't it be the heart?" the detective asked with a hint of humor in her voice.

She didn't mean to be insensitive, it was just her way to deal with things when she was afraid of getting overwhelmed.  
>It was her comfort zone.<br>And God only knew if she needed one when it came to a certain unpredictable and always obnoxiously literal medical examiner that all of a sudden was using inaccurate medical terms.

Maura shook her head to say no and sniffed, shifting her eyes up a little to look at Jane.

"It's my brain. I see things-"

"What kind of things?"

"You. I see you."

The detective blinked a few times and scowled.  
>She took a step closer to Maura who just stood still in the middle of the kitchen.<p>

"I'm right here." she tried to reason.

"No. You're on my table. You're...dead. On my table."

Jane shivered and everything became suddenly clear.  
>Maura's eyes had assumed that peculiar green shade that came out every time she was about to cry.<p>

"I'm not. Look at me-" the detective said. Her index finger and thumb under Maura's chin stroking slightly there.

She was surprised when the doctor didn't pull away. On the contrary she leaned in.

"See? I'm ok. You're ok-"

"I'm not okay-" Maura breathed. "I'm not ok." she repeated, her voice now muffed by Jane's tank top where she had buried her face.

Weak arms encircled the small waist of the detective and Jane had to hold her breath to prevent her heart from exploding right there.

"Maura?" she called in a shy whisper, not sure what to do with her hands anymore. She decided to let them just be at her sides.

The other woman didn't move from her position but started to talk again.  
>Jane could feel her breath dancing slightly on the skin of her neck. It was almost intoxicating.<p>

She smelled vaguely of alcohol, probably wine, and Jane wondered how many glasses she had had.  
>Not so many to be drunk but certainly enough to lower her defenses.<p>

"I imagined you on my table so many times-" the doctor said. "When you shot yourself and your blood was all over my hands, so thick and crimson-"

Jane winced out from that painful memory. She remembered Maura's desperate plea. She was kneeling near her on the sidewalk with her hands pressed on the wound.  
>Everything else was hazy around her, but Maura's eyes were clear, they were piercing through hers, begging her to not leave.<p>

"And then when Hoyt had you. I was so scared I could barely function. That was all new for me. Feeling so helpless, realizing I couldn't stand the idea of not seeing you again-"

Maura lifted one arm and put her shaking hand on Jane's left shoulder.  
>Her fingers played with curly black locks that were there for a while, then they moved slowly towards the detective's long neck.<p>

She raised her head in the exact moment when the tip of her fingers brushed against Jane's thin scar.  
>No more words would have been necessary at that point.<br>They both knew what that scar meant.

What Maura saw on Jane's face struck her to her core. Silent tears were streaming on the detective's cheeks, finally dying on dry lips.  
>She wondered if Jane was even aware of them.<p>

"You can touch me, I won't break." she whispered, their noses just a few inches apart.

Jane parted her lips to say something but nothing came out.

Her right hand found Maura's left hip, then her arm, then her soft neck.

A scar was barely visible on her cream colored skin but Jane found it easily and put her fingers there.

In that moment nothing mattered anymore. In that moment they were just the same.

"Martha would have had one too, you know. She looks a lot like you." Maura confessed, her voice tired.

"I know." Jane managed to get out.

There were so many other things she needed to get out of her chest but that was not the right time nor the place.

"Take me to bed." the doctor breathed weakly. "Please."

"I don't think that's a good idea"

"You-you don't want me?" Maura asked feeling suddenly self conscious.

She tried to imagine how she looked like in that moment.  
>Probably exhausted, in a state of disarray, messy hair and make up, wrinkled dress. Not herself.<p>

"You're perfect." Jane answered reading her mind. "And I always want you. _Always_." she added for good measure holding her even more tightly.

"Then what's wrong?"

"You're not completely sober right now and you're upset. I don't want to take advantage of you-"

Maura shook her head and took Jane's face in her warm hands.

"You need to fix me-" she said with a vulnerability that hit Jane straight in the heart.

"I don't know what that means." she answered honestly.

"Make love to me-"

"What?"

Jane had been waiting for those words to come out of Maura's mouth for so long that she wondered if she had just imagined them.

Truth was she didn't.

"I need to feel that you're alive-" the honey blonde woman confessed. "And I with you."

"You've never let me do it before. It was-it was just sex-" Jane's voice cracked.

She didn't mean to cry, she really didn't, she just couldn't hold herself back anymore.

Maura sighed heavily and brushed her lips slightly against the detective's salty ones.

"Jane-" she whispered in a shattered breath.

That was all it took. 

**A/N**: Ok, first of all, don't hate me! I have every intention to write about their "_love making_", because it's clearly a fundamental moment of their recovery, so to speak. So keep up your lovely reviews and I will write even more eagerly :-P  
>Anyway it's pretty blatant that Maura took a huge step forward by telling Jane what she felt, but they are way far from being ok. It's a long road. Their issues are still all there and they need to face every single one of them: what they have been doing for four months and why; Doyle; what their physical and emotional relationship means and how the rest of the world would hypothetically deal with it; how they would deal with it IF it became real; Maura's abandonment issues and well, they still have a case to solve.<br>Let me know what you think and what you expect, it means a lot!

And, of course, thank you **Ersy**. You rock, girl!


	6. Every cloud has a silver lining

**A/N**: I'm really sorry for the delay. I really am. I didn't mean to take so long to write it, it's just that being a Med student sucks. My exam session started a week ago and I've being studying like crazy. I did my first exam of the session three days ago (Urology, it went great btw:-P). I will have exams till March, so writing won't be easy. But I'm not abandoning the fic! I hope you will stick with me. So here it is the new chapter. Enjoy! And PLEASE **review**!

**Ersy**, you're still one of my favourite people in the world. 

She smelled like the ocean, like the crispy air that blows in your face, messes up your hair and goes straight into your lungs until you can feel it everywhere.  
>She smelled of freedom, of good memories, of new beginnings and soothing promises whispered at candle light.<p>

She was that moment of a lazy summer afternoon when everything is so calm and quite and the sun burns still fiercely in the sky.

But somehow you feel it. Inexplicably you know. It's going to rain, you can tell.

It lingers in the air, unnoticed, harmless. It's the calm before the storm. You wait and wait and wait a little more. The anticipation is thrilling. It almost challenges you. And when the rain finally comes you found yourself unable to move.

Because, you know, every cloud has a silver lining.

And maybe you want to get soaked this time. Maybe you want to get overwhelmed for once in your life.  
>Because it's been one hell of a hot day and this is a relief after all.<p>

Maura's gentle touch on your face is a relief.

That was what Jane was thinking while she was letting the blonde caress her cheekbones with delicate fingers. Painfully slow.

She was straddling her, completely naked and breathtakingly beautiful.  
>Every single thing about Maura was harmoniously perfect.<p>

Her wavy honey blonde hair cascaded delicately on her shoulders.  
>Freckled skin, pronounced collarbones, full soft breasts and a thin waist before two very feminine hips.<p>

For the first time Jane was taking the time to absorb it all without fear or shame.

Her eyes couldn't have enough and finally her fingers started to quiver impatiently to reach out.  
>Maura barely nodded sensing her inner turmoil and moved her own hands from Jane's face to her forearms, guiding her.<p>

Scarred palms cupped delicate breasts. They brushed against already hardening nipples and stayed there for a while.

It was almost surreal. Jane couldn't believe that every single thing she had done in her life was leading her to that exact moment.

Soon Maura's heavier sighs became the only sound in the room.  
>"Kiss me-" she said.<p>

Jane's upper body moved forward and Maura's lips met hers halfway.

There was no more time for slowness.

It was only time for love. And frantic kisses, dueling tongues, enveloping arms and wanderings hands.

They were in a sitting position now, facing each other, legs intertwined, Jane's heels pressed against Maura's bottom to hold her impossibly close.

The friction was delicious, the edging intoxicating, the taste of Maura's skin lingered in her mouth even when she wasn't the one kissing.  
>Even when she was just letting the blonde devour her neck, her chest, that sweet spot under her ear that never failed to drive her insane.<p>

Jane thought that nobody had ever known her body so perfectly.  
>Nobody had ever been so in synch with her.<p>

They had a rhythm. An inscrutable connection.

Sex wasn't just sex. It wasn't just a series of moves in order to achieve pleasure.  
>It wasn't a clumsy, submissive race towards an end that Jane just wanted get over with.<p>

It was an intimate, intricate dance together.  
>It was a life-changing experience. A reconnection. An emotional journey.<br>Always familiar and yet always so new.

Natural like nothing had ever felt before.

It was the proof that Jane belonged with Maura and Maura with Jane.  
>In a very dependent and uninhibited way.<p>

But for the first time in her life the awareness of that didn't scare the detective.

For the first time in her life Jane was learning that belonging with someone didn't mean being possessed.  
>For the first time in her life she wasn't afraid of being herself.<p>

Their movements were becoming erratic now and Jane sensed that Maura needed more.

Her left hand released the blonde's sweaty locks and sneaked easily between their joined bodies.

"Oh Jane-" Maura moaned when nimble fingers met slick velvet folds.

The detective silenced her with a fiery kiss and her tongue started to imitated what her fingers were doing.

"I know what you want-" Jane said in a raspy voice, without interrupting her steady rhythm.

Maura rested her forehead on the detective's shoulder and put both of her hands on the mattress to get a better leverage.

The room started to spin and she wondered how that was even possible.  
>The doctor in her blamed it on the lack of oxygen, but then Maura realized that only Jane had ever been able to elicit such a reaction.<p>

She was everywhere; inside and outside of her.  
>She enfolded her, lifted her, rocked her.<p>

Jane. So beautiful and fearless. Noble and wild.

_Her _Jane. Strong and vigorous and yet still so defenseless sometimes.  
>She jumped right in, all instinct and feelings and rough edges.<br>Untamed. Like the wind.

"Let it go-" the detective breathed in her ear. She knew she was close.

"Not like this-" the doctor managed to get out between throaty moans.

Jane tilted her head and kissed the side of Maura's smooth neck.  
>"Then how?"<p>

Maura grabbed her wrist and gently guided her fingers outside.

"Together." she whispered on the detective's swelled lips.

She then wrapped both of her arms around Jane's neck and leaned backwards until her head was lying on a pillow and Jane's body was covering her own.

Maura parted her knees slightly and Jane shifted a little so that one of her legs was resting between Maura's.

"Hi-" the blonde smiled meeting dark brown eyes in the dim light of the silent room.  
>That was her first sincere smile after four months and she had saved it all for Jane.<p>

Jane smiled back and leaned forward to leave a sweet kiss on the tip of Maura's nose.

She then reached for the blonde's hands and intertwined their fingers together, putting their joined hands on the two opposite sides of the pillow.

"I want to see you when you come." Maura said as for an explanation and Jane would have sworn that she was blushing a little.  
>The tenderness of that moment made her almost laugh.<br>After all the things they had been doing during the last four months she was blushing for _that_?

Damn, that woman would have been the death of her.

"Is that ok?"

Jane nodded. Of course it was ok. She had just lost her ability to form coherent sentences, because Maura had started to rub her most sensitive place with her leg.

The blonde watched in awe when Jane's beautiful face twisted in pleasure.  
>It was like admiring a piece of art and she wanted to savor it.<p>

They soon set a steady pace and started panting for the effort and the new rush of chemical substances running through their veins.

Maura felt like every synapse of her brain was on fire. Like she could think about everything and nothing at all. Like every cell of her body was alive and ready.

Time become an ephemeral concept and so did space.

She remembered about electrons and the impossibility of occupying the same place at the same time.  
>But damn if she and Jane were not trying to disprove that thesis.<p>

Maura wondered if it was that what people meant when they talked about becoming one with the person they loved.  
>She had never understood the concept, it was against all the physics laws she knew.<p>

But when Jane pulled a wisp of honey blonde hair away from her face and thrust her hips one last time it all become clear.

They came together.  
>They were one.<p> 


End file.
